10 long months

It's been 10 long months since our beautiful Mayah Joy went from the arms of her daddy on earth to the arms of her daddy in heaven. 

Fall

Today is the first day of fall.  I used to love the fall.  Deep down, I still do, but now the joy I feel about fall is diminished by my memories of last year.  I was so incredibly happy last fall.  I was happily expecting Mayah Joy.  My sister and brother-in-law came out for my birthday and we went shopping for maternity clothes.  We had such a cheerful celebretory time.  And this year, things just seem gray.  I haven't worked on my birthday in 12 years, but this year, I don't want to stay home.  I want something to occupy my mind.  I don't really want to celebrate anything.  And again, tears are very close to the surface.  We brought out some fall decorations and discussed where we would put Mayah's candle.  I started crying when we talked about moving it.  I have to keep it on the table until her birthday.  And that is coming so quickly.  I don't think I'm ready for it.

Sacrifice

We continue to experience the 'fall-out" of losing Mayah.  There have been so many losses after our biggest one, but most of them can be linked back to the loss of Mayah.  We lost income, we lost friends, we lost time, we lost the future that we planned, we lost a car, we lost strength, we lost benefits, we lost innocence.  All but the car can be linked back to losing Mayah.  The hits, one after the other, have become almost too much to bear.  I have begun to think of this as the Season of Job.  I don't want this season, but it is mildly encouraging that God included the book of Job in the Bible for such times as these. 

Last night, Miguel and I were talking about our losses and I suddenly had a thought.  Parents sacrifice a lot for their children.  These losses and the feelings that flow from them are our sacrifice for Mayah.  It struck us both so strongly.  Miguel said, "Of course.  What wouldn't I sacrifice for my daughter?"  The answer is we would sacrifice anything and everything for her.  Even though she isn't here with us anymore, we are still her parents.  We still have the opportunity to count our loss a sacrifice for her.