7 Years

Birthdays in Heaven

decorations of gold...

Where the years come and go

and you never grow old.

Where YOU celebrate with Angels

and past family there...

With no illness in sight

just love everywhere.

So I don't need to worry

how your Birthday was spent...

'Cause you're safe in Heaven

and my wishes are sent.

Though I know you are safe

even though you're away...

I love and I miss you

a little more today.

Happy Heavenly Birthday

--Toni Kane-all-greatquotes.com

It has been seven long years since we said goodbye, since we held our baby girl in our arms, since we gave her to the arms of Jesus. Every year we light her candle and thank God for her. It is difficult to imagine how big she would be by now. She would have so many stories to tell us, so many experiences to share. Imagine how many stories we'll get to hear when we are finally together again. Forever loved, Mayah Joy. Memory eternal.

Words of Dancing with the Angels

I know it is difficult to see some of the words, but these are the words that have been used in previous posts.  The larger the word, the more often it was used.  (wordle.net created the image.)  Such a wonderful way to continue to remember precious Mayah Joy.

I'm not finished

I haven't written anything since Mayah's birthday.  I struggled with the idea that I should be finished with grief since it's been a full year since she was  born.  I am not finished.  I don't know how long it will take or if I will ever be finished.  I know that people around me are finished.  I know that traditionally, people grieve for a year and then move on.  I am moving on, but I'm not finished grieving.  It's an uncomfortable place to be.  I still flop back to anger and sadness.  I still question why.  I think about what I would be doing if she had been born in April instead of November.  Sometimes I feel so distanced from what happened, it feels like it may have been a bad dream.  Then other times, the pain is so fresh and I know it wasn't a dream.  If I let myself think for too long, it just weighs me down.  So I get up.  I play with my dogs.  I go outside.  I go to work.  I do chores.  I take those little steps that I know will take me through the day.  And I do get through each day.  But there is never a day that I do not think of my precious Mayah Joy. 

One Year

It's Mayah Joy's birthday today.  It's been a whole year since we held her and since she went to her Father in heaven.  We miss her so much.  I remember the horror and disbelief I felt when I went to the emergency room the day before Thanksgiving.  I remember the sobs that shook me so hard I couldn't stand up or breathe.  I remember telling Mayah how sorry I was that I couldn't keep her safe and alive.  I remember begging God to please please let this not happen.  And I remember telling Mayah how much her mommy and daddy love her and that she would be going to her Father in heaven and that He would be able to love her and take care of her even more than we could.  And I remember her daddy lifting her up to heaven and giving her to her Father in heaven and I knew that He took her then, into His arms forever.  I also remember the encouragement and love of our family and friends who love Mayah too.

Happy birthday in heaven, precious Mayah Joy.  

11 months

I keep thinking about what I was doing at this time last year.  But I haven't thought about it being 11 months since Mayah was born.  I've skipped October in my mind and I've jumped to her birthday in November.  I thought about my birthday.  I went to work remembering how my birthday was last year-when I was so happy and excited and there wasn't a shadow over anything.  This year was the first birthday I've worked in 12 years.  I knew that I couldn't stay home lost in my own thoughts, memories and sorrows.  I'm thankful for my co-workers who distracted me from my own thoughts.  I am so thankful for my husband who did everything he could to remind me that my birthday could still be a celebration. 

10 long months

It's been 10 long months since our beautiful Mayah Joy went from the arms of her daddy on earth to the arms of her daddy in heaven. 

Fall

Today is the first day of fall.  I used to love the fall.  Deep down, I still do, but now the joy I feel about fall is diminished by my memories of last year.  I was so incredibly happy last fall.  I was happily expecting Mayah Joy.  My sister and brother-in-law came out for my birthday and we went shopping for maternity clothes.  We had such a cheerful celebretory time.  And this year, things just seem gray.  I haven't worked on my birthday in 12 years, but this year, I don't want to stay home.  I want something to occupy my mind.  I don't really want to celebrate anything.  And again, tears are very close to the surface.  We brought out some fall decorations and discussed where we would put Mayah's candle.  I started crying when we talked about moving it.  I have to keep it on the table until her birthday.  And that is coming so quickly.  I don't think I'm ready for it.