Fall

Today is the first day of fall.  I used to love the fall.  Deep down, I still do, but now the joy I feel about fall is diminished by my memories of last year.  I was so incredibly happy last fall.  I was happily expecting Mayah Joy.  My sister and brother-in-law came out for my birthday and we went shopping for maternity clothes.  We had such a cheerful celebretory time.  And this year, things just seem gray.  I haven't worked on my birthday in 12 years, but this year, I don't want to stay home.  I want something to occupy my mind.  I don't really want to celebrate anything.  And again, tears are very close to the surface.  We brought out some fall decorations and discussed where we would put Mayah's candle.  I started crying when we talked about moving it.  I have to keep it on the table until her birthday.  And that is coming so quickly.  I don't think I'm ready for it.