Missing Mayah Joy
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
4 months
It has been 4 months since we said goodbye to Mayah Joy. The time has gone by so slowly, and yet so fast. Four months ago, I couldn't imagine making it this far with the heavy weight of sadness. I couldn't imagine going on--missing our baby so much. I couldn't imagine going on--into a future that was completely different than we envisioned it. I couldn't imagine going on--without Mayah Joy. And yet, we did. The grace of the Father carried us through. And He still grants us a peace that is beyond measure and that passes all understanding.
Friday, March 26, 2010
A Poem
She was so very, very special
And was so from the start
We held her in our arms
But mainly in our heart
And was so from the start
We held her in our arms
But mainly in our heart
And like a single drop of rain
That on still waters fall,
Her life did ripples make
And touched the lives of all
That on still waters fall,
Her life did ripples make
And touched the lives of all
She's gone to dance with angels
In heaven up above
We'll keep our special memories
And treasure them with love
Although our darling daughter
Was with us just a while
She'll live on in our hearts
And be remembered with a smile
Adapted from http://www.verses4cards.co.uk
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Mayah's Memorial
Mayah Joy is the result of years of hope and love. She was a miracle and God's gift to us. We were so happy and full of joy when we found out about her. It was so unexpected, but so welcomed. We couldn't wait to share the news and our families and friends rejoiced with us. We were so excited to see her in the ultrasounds and we laughed as we watched her dancing in the womb. When we found out she was a girl, our hearts just melted and again, we rejoiced. We named her Mayah Joy, a name we picked out years ago when she was still just a dream. Mayah means "Close to God" and that was our desire for how she would live her life. When she was born, even though our hearts were breaking, we found joy in looking at her perfect little form, with all the fingers and toes and her long legs and peaceful face. We held her up and offered her back to the Lord and we know that He took her in His arms to care for her even more than we ever could. His love is unending and unfailing.
Even now that she is not with us anymore, we continue to remember the joy that she brought. For someone who had such a short life, she brought joy into the lives of so many people--her grandmothers, her aunties and uncles, cousins and friends. We continue to thank God for her life. Her loss is hugely unexpected as well, but even in our sorrow, we remember God's promise to us that we have eternal life in Him. We have confidence that Mayah is with Him and we will join them eventually. We can just picture her dancing with the angels in heavenly worship before God's throne.
Going through the heartache has brought us closer together as a couple as well as close to God individually. At a time like this, we realize that there is nothing that we can do to gain strength to bear it other than clinging to our Father. As we turn to each other for comfort, we also realize that on our own, we have no comfort to give. Rather, we have to receive comfort from God in order to give to each other. And our God is gracious and grants us the peace that passes all understanding. When there are no more words to say to Him, He understands the moans of our hearts and grants us peace.
As we move into the next stages of grieving our loss, we will continue to cling to the hope that we have. Right now, it seems hard to even imagine being able to go back to a "normal" life without Mayah. I don't even know what that would look like. We will not be the same. As our broken hearts mend, we will discover that they are not the same as they were before knowing Mayah. We will see things differently, I believe, through the experience of loving our daughter. We pray that God will use this to impact our lives and any other lives that He brings to us.
Even now that she is not with us anymore, we continue to remember the joy that she brought. For someone who had such a short life, she brought joy into the lives of so many people--her grandmothers, her aunties and uncles, cousins and friends. We continue to thank God for her life. Her loss is hugely unexpected as well, but even in our sorrow, we remember God's promise to us that we have eternal life in Him. We have confidence that Mayah is with Him and we will join them eventually. We can just picture her dancing with the angels in heavenly worship before God's throne.
Going through the heartache has brought us closer together as a couple as well as close to God individually. At a time like this, we realize that there is nothing that we can do to gain strength to bear it other than clinging to our Father. As we turn to each other for comfort, we also realize that on our own, we have no comfort to give. Rather, we have to receive comfort from God in order to give to each other. And our God is gracious and grants us the peace that passes all understanding. When there are no more words to say to Him, He understands the moans of our hearts and grants us peace.
As we move into the next stages of grieving our loss, we will continue to cling to the hope that we have. Right now, it seems hard to even imagine being able to go back to a "normal" life without Mayah. I don't even know what that would look like. We will not be the same. As our broken hearts mend, we will discover that they are not the same as they were before knowing Mayah. We will see things differently, I believe, through the experience of loving our daughter. We pray that God will use this to impact our lives and any other lives that He brings to us.
Mayah Joy's Story
In January 2007, we decided to start our family. We were excited and we talked about names. We loved the name Mayah Joy and decided that if we ever had a girl, that is what we would name her. We found out that we were pregnant on 8/18/09. It was a surprise! We weren't expecting it and we had actually registered to attend an adoption seminar. We were so excited and so happy. We had just purchased our first home and it was just such perfect timing. When we found out that we were having a girl, everything just fell into place. Mayah Joy would be such a welcome addition to our little family.
On Wednesday 11/25/09, the day before Thanksgiving, I came home from work, very excited that I was going to be off work for several days. Miguel went to class and I had dinner and went upstairs. When I used the restroom, there was a big gush of fluid and I saw some blood. I was scared and called Miguel. He said that he would come home. Fluid continued to leak and saturated several pads. When Miguel came home, we rushed to the ER at Kaiser in Baldwin Park. The doctor came in and checked and said there was no doubt, my water broke. I was wheeled up to labor and delivery and settled into a bed. The doctor said that Mayah's heartbeat was still strong, but there was almost no amniotic fluid left. The nurses were so nice and caring. I was blessed to have them. The next morning, another doctor came and they did an ultrasound which showed that Mayah's heartbeat was still beating strong. They said that there was a tiny chance that the sac might fix itself and then refill with fluid. But that was the tiniest of chances. But that is what we prayed for. The nurses monitored my vital signs, especially my temperature because they were very concerned about infection. We spent several days in the hospital, praying for a change. Our family and friends came and encouraged us. They were such a blessing. After being in the hospital for 3 days with no changes, the doctors said that I could stay there and they would give me medication to induce labor or I could go home. I chose to go home. I was not willing to have labor induced because in my mind that would be kiling my baby by taking away any chance for a miracle. We went home. I spent the day in bed monitoring my temperature. The next morning, I had a slight temperature and cramping discomfort in my lower back. Miguel called the hospital and was told to bring me in if the cramps became unbearable. That evening, we went back to the hospital. We went straight to labor and delivery and I was checked in. I was already dilated to 2cm. My body took care of it and I didn't have to make the decision. I was in labor. I was taken into the delivery room and they gave me medication to induce labor to make it happen more quickly. I got an epidural and was able to sit in relative comfort. Miguel's sisters and the dear ladies from our life group came and sat with us. When it was time, Mayah Joy was born and given to Miguel. Her little heart tried to keep beating. Miguel held her up to heaven and gave her to her Father in heaven. I believe that He took her to Him at that time. Our friends came in and sang a hymn, How Great Thou Art. The nurse wrapped Mayah up and we were able to spend a long time with her. The hospital gave us a little memory box with pictures of Mayah, her footprints, and her blanket. I was taken to a recovery room and we left the hospital the next day.
When I went to the doctor for my 6 week check up, she said that tests had been run and there was nothing wrong with Mayah. She said that there hadn't been anything wrong with me either. The diagnosis was pre-term premature rupture of membranes (PPROM). She said that sometimes this just happens, but that it is very rare. I was so sad because for me, it wasn't rare, it was 100%. She said that there wasn't any reason to think that it would happen again.
On Wednesday 11/25/09, the day before Thanksgiving, I came home from work, very excited that I was going to be off work for several days. Miguel went to class and I had dinner and went upstairs. When I used the restroom, there was a big gush of fluid and I saw some blood. I was scared and called Miguel. He said that he would come home. Fluid continued to leak and saturated several pads. When Miguel came home, we rushed to the ER at Kaiser in Baldwin Park. The doctor came in and checked and said there was no doubt, my water broke. I was wheeled up to labor and delivery and settled into a bed. The doctor said that Mayah's heartbeat was still strong, but there was almost no amniotic fluid left. The nurses were so nice and caring. I was blessed to have them. The next morning, another doctor came and they did an ultrasound which showed that Mayah's heartbeat was still beating strong. They said that there was a tiny chance that the sac might fix itself and then refill with fluid. But that was the tiniest of chances. But that is what we prayed for. The nurses monitored my vital signs, especially my temperature because they were very concerned about infection. We spent several days in the hospital, praying for a change. Our family and friends came and encouraged us. They were such a blessing. After being in the hospital for 3 days with no changes, the doctors said that I could stay there and they would give me medication to induce labor or I could go home. I chose to go home. I was not willing to have labor induced because in my mind that would be kiling my baby by taking away any chance for a miracle. We went home. I spent the day in bed monitoring my temperature. The next morning, I had a slight temperature and cramping discomfort in my lower back. Miguel called the hospital and was told to bring me in if the cramps became unbearable. That evening, we went back to the hospital. We went straight to labor and delivery and I was checked in. I was already dilated to 2cm. My body took care of it and I didn't have to make the decision. I was in labor. I was taken into the delivery room and they gave me medication to induce labor to make it happen more quickly. I got an epidural and was able to sit in relative comfort. Miguel's sisters and the dear ladies from our life group came and sat with us. When it was time, Mayah Joy was born and given to Miguel. Her little heart tried to keep beating. Miguel held her up to heaven and gave her to her Father in heaven. I believe that He took her to Him at that time. Our friends came in and sang a hymn, How Great Thou Art. The nurse wrapped Mayah up and we were able to spend a long time with her. The hospital gave us a little memory box with pictures of Mayah, her footprints, and her blanket. I was taken to a recovery room and we left the hospital the next day.
When I went to the doctor for my 6 week check up, she said that tests had been run and there was nothing wrong with Mayah. She said that there hadn't been anything wrong with me either. The diagnosis was pre-term premature rupture of membranes (PPROM). She said that sometimes this just happens, but that it is very rare. I was so sad because for me, it wasn't rare, it was 100%. She said that there wasn't any reason to think that it would happen again.
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