I'm not finished

I haven't written anything since Mayah's birthday.  I struggled with the idea that I should be finished with grief since it's been a full year since she was  born.  I am not finished.  I don't know how long it will take or if I will ever be finished.  I know that people around me are finished.  I know that traditionally, people grieve for a year and then move on.  I am moving on, but I'm not finished grieving.  It's an uncomfortable place to be.  I still flop back to anger and sadness.  I still question why.  I think about what I would be doing if she had been born in April instead of November.  Sometimes I feel so distanced from what happened, it feels like it may have been a bad dream.  Then other times, the pain is so fresh and I know it wasn't a dream.  If I let myself think for too long, it just weighs me down.  So I get up.  I play with my dogs.  I go outside.  I go to work.  I do chores.  I take those little steps that I know will take me through the day.  And I do get through each day.  But there is never a day that I do not think of my precious Mayah Joy.