One Year

It's Mayah Joy's birthday today.  It's been a whole year since we held her and since she went to her Father in heaven.  We miss her so much.  I remember the horror and disbelief I felt when I went to the emergency room the day before Thanksgiving.  I remember the sobs that shook me so hard I couldn't stand up or breathe.  I remember telling Mayah how sorry I was that I couldn't keep her safe and alive.  I remember begging God to please please let this not happen.  And I remember telling Mayah how much her mommy and daddy love her and that she would be going to her Father in heaven and that He would be able to love her and take care of her even more than we could.  And I remember her daddy lifting her up to heaven and giving her to her Father in heaven and I knew that He took her then, into His arms forever.  I also remember the encouragement and love of our family and friends who love Mayah too.

Happy birthday in heaven, precious Mayah Joy.  

11 months

I keep thinking about what I was doing at this time last year.  But I haven't thought about it being 11 months since Mayah was born.  I've skipped October in my mind and I've jumped to her birthday in November.  I thought about my birthday.  I went to work remembering how my birthday was last year-when I was so happy and excited and there wasn't a shadow over anything.  This year was the first birthday I've worked in 12 years.  I knew that I couldn't stay home lost in my own thoughts, memories and sorrows.  I'm thankful for my co-workers who distracted me from my own thoughts.  I am so thankful for my husband who did everything he could to remind me that my birthday could still be a celebration. 

10 long months

It's been 10 long months since our beautiful Mayah Joy went from the arms of her daddy on earth to the arms of her daddy in heaven. 

Fall

Today is the first day of fall.  I used to love the fall.  Deep down, I still do, but now the joy I feel about fall is diminished by my memories of last year.  I was so incredibly happy last fall.  I was happily expecting Mayah Joy.  My sister and brother-in-law came out for my birthday and we went shopping for maternity clothes.  We had such a cheerful celebretory time.  And this year, things just seem gray.  I haven't worked on my birthday in 12 years, but this year, I don't want to stay home.  I want something to occupy my mind.  I don't really want to celebrate anything.  And again, tears are very close to the surface.  We brought out some fall decorations and discussed where we would put Mayah's candle.  I started crying when we talked about moving it.  I have to keep it on the table until her birthday.  And that is coming so quickly.  I don't think I'm ready for it.

Sacrifice

We continue to experience the 'fall-out" of losing Mayah.  There have been so many losses after our biggest one, but most of them can be linked back to the loss of Mayah.  We lost income, we lost friends, we lost time, we lost the future that we planned, we lost a car, we lost strength, we lost benefits, we lost innocence.  All but the car can be linked back to losing Mayah.  The hits, one after the other, have become almost too much to bear.  I have begun to think of this as the Season of Job.  I don't want this season, but it is mildly encouraging that God included the book of Job in the Bible for such times as these. 

Last night, Miguel and I were talking about our losses and I suddenly had a thought.  Parents sacrifice a lot for their children.  These losses and the feelings that flow from them are our sacrifice for Mayah.  It struck us both so strongly.  Miguel said, "Of course.  What wouldn't I sacrifice for my daughter?"  The answer is we would sacrifice anything and everything for her.  Even though she isn't here with us anymore, we are still her parents.  We still have the opportunity to count our loss a sacrifice for her. 

9 months

It's been 9 months since our Mayah was born.  I keep remembering how happy we were at this time last year.  Every occasion this year reminds me of the same occasions last year.  I remember when we started telling people about our baby.  I remember the feelings that I had when I started looking forward to this time this year.  I was so hopeful and happy last year.  That all changed 9 months ago. 

8/18

Today is the anniversary of the day we found out I was pregnant with our precious Mayah Joy.  I didn't think I would remember this date, but as it got closer, I totally remembered the date.  I was absolutely positive it was the 18th.  I got out my calendar from last year and indeed, there is a little star on the 18th.  That was the day.  So much has happened in one little year.  We have run through every emotion--the soaring highs of joy and celebration and the drowning depths of anger, grief and sorrow. 

I remember so clearly, the shock and surprise and joy that we felt that day.  I stared at the lines on the HPT and just couldn't understand what it meant.  I remember calling Miguel to look at it and saying "what does this mean, what does this mean" as I held it out to him.  And I rushed home at lunch time to take another test, just in case.  And it was positive too.  It was amazing.  And then I rushed over to Kaiser to have them check too.  And it was positive.  We had such a celebration that day.  We went to the Melting Pot.  It was always something that was too expensive for us to justify, but that day, nothing was too much for our celebration.  I remember calling my mom and saying "you're going to be a grandma".  She thought that I meant we were getting another dog.  I had to say "no, of a person".  And then she realized and was so overjoyed.  We called Miguel's sisters and they screamed with excitement.  My friend called when we were at dinner and I told her and she was so happy. 

We started making plans.  We started talking about names.  We thanked God for the precious gift we were given.

I am still thankful for the gift we have in Mayah Joy.  I will always be thankful for her.  I just wish the happiness that we felt on 8/18/09 could have lasted until her expected birthday in April 2010. 

Tears

He (God) will wipe every tear from their eyes. 

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain...

Revelation 21:4

I'm tired of tears filling my eyes at the most unexpected times.  When I'm driving, when I'm sitting at my desk, when I'm walking my dogs, when people ask if I have any children (though that isn't an unexpected time for tears to come, the question always catches me off-guard), when someone says something thoughtlessly insensitive (I'm sure the intent is not to hurt, but it seems like people have forgotten Mayah, my daughter, they have forgotten my pain).  The tears are always there, just below the surface.  Even in the midst of laughter, they are there.  I'm amazed that I even have any tears left.  I feel like I've already shed enough tears for 10 lifetimes since November 30, 2009. 

...the Lord Almighty...will swallow up death forever. 

The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces.

Isaiah 25:8

Seven months

Baby Mayah has been dancing with the angels for 7 long months.  I am amazed by time. 
Sometimes it seems like I was holding her yesterday.  And sometimes it just seems like a distant foggy dream. 
I am so thankful for the pictures that we have.  I am so thankful for our precious family and friends who were there when Mayah was born and who thought about bringing a camera.  It was the furthest thing from my mind.  I am so thankful for the beautiful framed family photo from Mayah's auntie.  I am thankful for the dear friend who sang such a beautiful and worshipful hymn on the night of Mayah's birth. 

When Christ shall come, With shouts of acclamation,

And take me home,

What joy shall fill my heart!

Then I shall bow In humble adoration

And there proclaim, "My God, how great Thou art!"

 

Father's Day

Honoring my beloved husband who loved his daughter with his whole heart. He loved her so much that when she was born, he took her in his arms and offered her into the arms of her Father in heaven.

Honoring you on Father's Day, my love.

Another month

It has been 6 months since we held our baby girl.  Actually, 6 months and 2 days.  I had a heart breaking moment a few weeks ago when I realized that I was forgetting my baby's face.  Beagz said that is part of the way God created us so that we will be able to continue living life.  And living life is what we're doing.  I think of Mayah so many times during the day, but we just keep going on.  I can find joy within me for others.  I see more beautiful things in life and the gray is being filled in with color.  I keep in mind the idea that we are in God.  I imagine myself cradled in His arms just as I would have cradled Mayah.  There is great comfort in that picture.  I still wonder what God's plan was in all of this heartache.  Will I ever know why? 

Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day today.  I am thankful to be Mayah's mother, even  though she was only with us for a short time.   

5 months since we said goodbye

It has been five long months since we said goodbye to our Mayah Joy. We still miss her. I still think of her every day and wish that things were different. But I rest in the Lord and I know that my life, Miguel's life and Mayah's life is in Him. How much more does Mayah know that! She is in His arms, knowing more comfort, more safety, more love than we could ever give her.  But our love for her is still great.  Her existence has had a lasting impact on our lives.  Those little feet, that are now dancing with the angels, have made a forever imprint on our hearts. 

4/20 was her estimated due date

My dear baby Mayah Joy's due date has come and gone.  We thought about Mayah and we missed Mayah on the 20th.  I imagined how different things would be if we were expecting her any day.  This was such a big milestone.  And yet here we are on the other side.  The sorrow of losing Mayah will always be a part of my heart, but there is peace in my heart as well.



When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Refrain

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Refrain

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

Refrain

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

Refrain

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Refrain

4 months

It has been 4 months since we said goodbye to Mayah Joy.  The time has gone by so slowly, and yet so fast.  Four months ago, I couldn't imagine making it this far with the heavy weight of sadness.  I couldn't imagine going on--missing our baby so much.  I couldn't imagine going on--into a future that was completely different than we envisioned it.  I couldn't imagine going on--without Mayah Joy.  And yet, we did.  The grace of the Father carried us through.  And He still grants us a peace that is beyond measure and that passes all understanding.   

A Poem

She was so very, very special
And was so from the start
We held her in our arms
But mainly in our heart
 

And like a single drop of rain
That on still waters fall,
Her life did ripples make
And touched the lives of all

She's gone to dance with angels

In heaven up above

We'll keep our special memories

And treasure them with love
  

Although our darling daughter

Was with us just a while

She'll live on in our hearts

And be remembered with a smile

Adapted from http://www.verses4cards.co.uk

Mayah's Memorial

Mayah Joy is the result of years of hope and love. She was a miracle and God's gift to us. We were so happy and full of joy when we found out about her. It was so unexpected, but so welcomed. We couldn't wait to share the news and our families and friends rejoiced with us. We were so excited to see her in the ultrasounds and we laughed as we watched her dancing in the womb. When we found out she was a girl, our hearts just melted and again, we rejoiced. We named her Mayah Joy, a name we picked out years ago when she was still just a dream. Mayah means "Close to God" and that was our desire for how she would live her life. When she was born, even though our hearts were breaking, we found joy in looking at her perfect little form, with all the fingers and toes and her long legs and peaceful face. We held her up and offered her back to the Lord and we know that He took her in His arms to care for her even more than we ever could. His love is unending and unfailing.

Even now that she is not with us anymore, we continue to remember the joy that she brought. For someone who had such a short life, she brought joy into the lives of so many people--her grandmothers, her aunties and uncles, cousins and friends. We continue to thank God for her life. Her loss is hugely unexpected as well, but even in our sorrow, we remember God's promise to us that we have eternal life in Him. We have confidence that Mayah is with Him and we will join them eventually. We can just picture her dancing with the angels in heavenly worship before God's throne.

Going through the heartache has brought us closer together as a couple as well as close to God individually. At a time like this, we realize that there is nothing that we can do to gain strength to bear it other than clinging to our Father. As we turn to each other for comfort, we also realize that on our own, we have no comfort to give. Rather, we have to receive comfort from God in order to give to each other. And our God is gracious and grants us the peace that passes all understanding. When there are no more words to say to Him, He understands the moans of our hearts and grants us peace.

As we move into the next stages of grieving our loss, we will continue to cling to the hope that we have. Right now, it seems hard to even imagine being able to go back to a "normal" life without Mayah. I don't even know what that would look like. We will not be the same. As our broken hearts mend, we will discover that they are not the same as they were before knowing Mayah. We will see things differently, I believe, through the experience of loving our daughter. We pray that God will use this to impact our lives and any other lives that He brings to us.

Mayah Joy's Story

In January 2007, we decided to start our family.  We were excited and we talked about names.  We loved the name Mayah Joy and decided that if we ever had a girl, that is what we would name her.  We found out that we were pregnant on 8/18/09.  It was a surprise!  We weren't expecting it and we had actually registered to attend an adoption seminar.  We were so excited and so happy.  We had just purchased our first home and it was just such perfect timing.  When we found out that we were having a girl, everything just fell into place.  Mayah Joy would be such a welcome addition to our little family. 

On Wednesday 11/25/09, the day before Thanksgiving, I came home from work, very excited that I was going to be off work for several days.  Miguel went to class and I had dinner and went upstairs.  When I used the restroom, there was a big gush of fluid and I saw some blood.  I was scared and called Miguel.  He said that he would come home.  Fluid continued to leak and saturated several pads.  When Miguel came home, we rushed to the ER at Kaiser in Baldwin Park.  The doctor came in and checked and said there was no doubt, my water broke.  I was wheeled up to labor and delivery and settled into a bed.  The doctor said that Mayah's heartbeat was still strong, but there was almost no amniotic fluid left.  The nurses were so nice and caring.  I was blessed to have them.  The next morning, another doctor came and they did an ultrasound which showed that Mayah's heartbeat was still beating strong.  They said that there was a tiny chance that the sac might fix itself and then refill with fluid.  But that was the tiniest of chances.  But that is what we prayed for.  The nurses monitored my vital signs, especially my temperature because they were very concerned about infection.  We spent several days in the hospital, praying for a change.  Our family and friends came and encouraged us.  They were such a blessing.  After being in the hospital for 3 days with no changes, the doctors said that I could stay there and they would give me medication to induce labor or I could go home.  I chose to go home.  I was not willing to have labor induced because in my mind that would be kiling my baby by taking away any chance for a miracle.  We went home.  I spent the day in bed monitoring my temperature.  The next morning, I had a slight temperature and cramping discomfort in my lower back. Miguel called the hospital and was told to bring me in if the cramps became unbearable.  That evening, we went back to the hospital.  We went straight to labor and delivery and I was checked in.  I was already dilated to 2cm.  My body took care of it and I didn't have to make the decision.  I was in labor.  I was taken into the delivery room and they gave me medication to induce labor to make it happen more quickly.  I got an epidural and was able to sit in relative comfort.  Miguel's sisters and the dear ladies from our life group came and sat with us.  When it was time, Mayah Joy was born and given to Miguel.  Her little heart tried to keep beating.  Miguel held her up to heaven and gave her to her Father in heaven.  I believe that He took her to Him at that time.  Our friends came in and sang a hymn,  How Great Thou Art.  The nurse wrapped Mayah up and we were able to spend a long time with her.  The hospital gave us a little memory box with pictures of Mayah, her footprints, and her blanket.  I was taken to a recovery room and we left the hospital the next day. 

When I went to the doctor for my 6 week check up, she said that tests had been run and there was nothing wrong with Mayah.  She said that there hadn't been anything wrong with me either.  The diagnosis was pre-term premature rupture of membranes (PPROM).  She said that sometimes this just happens, but that it is very rare.  I was so sad because for me, it wasn't rare, it was 100%.  She said that there wasn't any reason to think that it would happen again.